You Got Your B.O. On My Deodorant. You Got Your Deodorant On My B.O.

I have been having the worst time trying to find a good deodorant. Years ago, I used things like Secret and my dad's Right Guard (for school dances and when I wore something sleeveless). It always worked fine and did me well during dance class, gymnastics and cheerleading practice. But that was before all the uproar over aluminum and parabens and high-fructose corn syrup. I know they don't put the latter in deodorant, but I bet they just haven't thought of it yet.

I did use some Degree for men at my Pilates class a few years back. I had forgotten to put mine on before I left the house. There was a hot guy in my class on the Reformer next to me. I finally said, "Derek. You smell fantastic. What cologne are you wearing?" He said, "I don't wear cologne. Or deodorant." Hmm. So turned back to the business at hand and after a few bicep curls I realized that it was I who smelled so delicious. I smelled like the hottest guy I'd ever imagined. I nearly wanted to sleep with myself and never talk to me again.

Alas, that deodorant too had horrible things in it. So off to Wild Oats I went in the hopes of finding a natural deodorant that didn't make me smell like a lazy college student. I tried Tom's of Maine. Disgusting. And it made yellow stains in the pits of all my fucking white shirts and made me smell like I hadn't bathed in weeks. What is the point of that? I said I didn't want to smell like a hippie, even though I so totally am a hippie. Like a friend says, we're not Town & Country. We're Town & Crunchy.

Back to Wild Oats I went. This time I found a scent that was called Lazy College Student, if I remember correctly. It was bergamot, patchouli, pot and tangerine or something. I was putting my groceries in my car and looked up when I heard a woman yelling, "Miss! You forgot your deodorant!!" I yelled back, "NO I DIDN'T! IT'S NATURAL. IT'S SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU SMELL LIKE POO!"

I forgot to take the deodorant into the house when I dropped off the groceries. I went to Pilates that day and saw it still sitting in the passenger seat. I decided to put some on before going in to class. About 20 minutes later, my left armpit was on fire. It was the first pit I had swiped the deodorant on in the car. I went to the bathroom and OMG!! if I hadn't seen it I wouldn't have believed it. I burned my armpit with that damned natural deodorant. A wide bright red burn. It was the most painful thing I've had happen to me since I got a lip wax once and didn't realize medicated face treatment would also remove four layers of skin. Needless to say, that deodorant went to the back of the shelf with the Tom's.

So for the past few years I have been trying all different kinds of deodorant. The last successful brand was Trader Joe's Cotton deodorant. I guess it's supposed to smell like cotton, whatever the hell that smells like; clouds and dreams? It worked pretty well for a few months, but then one day...FAIL. I mentioned this to a friend who told me her mother had gone to a wonderful store downtown Cincinnati called Park+Vine. They have this Thai crystal deodorant stick that she had really been enjoying. She has had just as much trouble as I have trying not to stink up our general vicinity. So , of course, I rushed down to buy it. Dan, the owner, told me he uses the spray bottle but I could just see me getting that crap in my eyes or as I'm sure that what bit of mist didn't land on me would no doubt create a sticky layer of crud on my bathroom floor. He told me when using the stick to put it on when I'm still wet, right out of the shower. So I did that. Rubbing rubbing rubbing. I couldn't see anything going on me. No milky residue building up. I just had to assume it was going on and staying on.

Cut to a few days later. Apply crystal. Immediately smell funk. What the hell? There is B.O. on my crystal and I can't get it off. And it smells like...Bangkok Bistro. Is that what a Thai crystal is supposed to smell like? Pad Thai? I didn't realize. They should sell it on a scale of 1 to 10. How spicy would you like to be? Hmm...let's see...how about a 6?

I would love to try to go without deodorant but I don't think August is the month to attempt this as it's hotter than a dog's balls outside. Maybe November? That's a good month. Until then, I guess I'll just keep piling on four different kinds of natural deodorant stick and pray to the gods I don't hear someone, as I'm walking past, say ooh...I'm suddenly in the mood for curry.