Monday, March 31

It's Not Easy Bein' Green

In an attempt to be more "green," I've been shopping at our local Wild Food/Whole Oats (grocer previously known as Wild Oats, now Whole Foods, that has the new WF signage up as well as the old WO moniker) more often than not. Yesterday, I had to do a Trader Joe's/WF/WO combo shopping expedition. What one place doesn't have the other will and vice versa. Sadly, the whole of the Northern Kentucky/Greater Cincinnati area must also be going green because TJs looked like it'd been hit by a horde of hoarding nuclear holocaust anticipators (is that a word?). These same people who are eating more organically are not the least bit interested in other ridiculous fads such as The Atkins Diet. This was evident by the fact that there was no bread. No bread, you say? Yes. No bread. When I say no bread I mean there was some bread, but mostly made of spelt and other things that are edible once you've been green for say...more than three months. There were some loaves of Challah bread left so maybe The Atkins Diet is still big in the Jewish community.

Needless to say, I had to go to WF/WO to finish my shopping, where I ran into Supercute Hippie Family I'd just been in line with at TJs. Glad to know I'm not the only freak. I went shopping with my friend and we quickly surmized that people must've been under the impression she and I were lesbians. She was wearing a polar fleece vest pushing the grocery cart while I carried the baby and wore a gold band on my right hand and kept starting conversations with We this and We that. The "We" to which I was referring was me and baby, but I'm pretty sure Supercute Hippie Family thought I meant me and my friend. Not to stereotype, but a couple of these things are done by lesbians in movies to make them more lesbiany. But maybe they didn't think we were lesbians because of just those things. I bet they are a good little Supercute Hippie Family and don't even own a television or see movies.

My friend told me in a pinch she bought some organic maxi pads there once because she didn't have anymore reusable pads left. She said she was afraid the whole time with the organic ones that they would biodegrade while she was wearing them. That would be for the hard-core environmentalist. I'm not there yet.

I did suggest to someone the other day that I wish I had a heated sink so I could warm up my dish water. I have a bad habit of soaking the dishes and then not getting back to them until much later. The response I got was 'Yuck'. I feel bad draining all that water. So I wash them cold and rinse them warm. They're clean. Don't freak out if you're about to come over for dinner. I have to's the baby's fault. She's not green AT ALL. No sirree. She does encourage physical activity. She loves to drop things from her high chair so I'll pick them up over and over again. And she does wear organic cotton clothes but she doesn't mind pooping or peeing on them. So then I have to wash them which requires lots of water blah blah blah. You get the picture.

I'd love to have a diesel car that runs on vegetable oil. You can get the oil free from fast food restaurants. Of course, that would require me going to a fast food restaurant which would require me to get a Big Mac, large fry, and a root beer. My being able to eat that would require going to three different restaurants because Burger King has the best fries and Big Boy has the best ice. All of that defeats the purpose of shopping at WF/WO/TJs.

I have more cloth shopping bags than any one person can fill so I just take them every where. You should have seen me trying to get this old man at the check out to NOT give me a plastic bag. I may have been the first person ever to say, "I don't need a bag." He just stared at me trying to figure out how in the hell I was going to make it to my car just carrying my stuff with my own two hands instead of using my two hands to carry bags which will then carry my stuff. I think I've finally broken myself of the habit of leaving the bags at home.

I was at WF/WO with a friend and she wanted to wear baby in the carrier. So I took a bottle and a bag of breast milk with me so she could feed her while we were there. I went to the cafe and asked if I could have some hot water in something to warm some milk up. They guy was very nice and told me it'd be really hot, which I said was just fine. I pulled out my bag of breast milk and he tried not to stare. After it heated in the paper cup they gave me I felt badly about using it, having hoped they'd give me a mug or something instead. So I asked the guy if he could reuse the cup. He looked at me like I was crazy. I guess no one would really want to drink out of a used paper cup possibly coated in breast milk. Note to self: There is a way to be "too green".

I left the cafe and went to the bulk section to get popcorn and accidentally got split peas. No, they weren't green. They're the color of popcorn, so you can see how I was mistaken. There's a big sign that says you have to buy whatever you get and not to waste the bulk stuff and they can't pour it back in. I've read it 20 times, yet I still asked the guy if he could do it. He said, "" As if the fact that it was a mistake and that they'd only been out of their little bulk plastic cage and in the plastic bag for a mere 15 seconds mattered. I wanted to say, "Well...plastic bags kill birds!" But I let it go.

Sunday, March 30

I'm not allowed to have money.

I think saving is a curse. Whenever I have extra money it has to be spent. A couple of weeks ago, my landlord called to tell me, "Alan upstairs from you called me this morning to tell me you have a flat tire." Me: F^@& "He didn't want to knock because it was pretty early. He said he didn't want you out driving with the baby with a flat." So, backpedal to a few days before when I went to the new IKEA opening in West Chester. On the way home I hit a gigantic pothole that threw my car into the next lane. Thank the Lord no one was next to me or we would've been in a very bad accident. I had my daughter and my friend with me. Very scary. We were unharmed, but I was afraid my Jeep was not so lucky. We managed to make it all the way to the slow lane, drove in the emergency lane, got off the highway and drove home through the city. (It was the day after IKEA opened. There were police every where hoping to catch speeders. What a horrible job. And the people they did catch probably came from IKEA where they'd just spent an assload of money that they had saved only to have it taken away by the po-po. If I'd been pulled over I would've just yelled, "Well I guess I'll go back to IKEA and return all this crap so I can pay this EFFING TICKET!! And then I would've screamed, "I JUST CAN'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE!" for added effect.)

So here I'm thinking I have a flat because of this incident. I pack up the baby and make it outside only to find my tire is not flat. It's low...but it's been that low since I don't know when. Now I feel like a bad mother. I took it to a service station down the street where I was informed, "We can check the tires for leaks. If there are holes, we can plug them for $15 a piece. If there's nothing and they're just low, it will be $10 for labor and no additional cost." Luckily it was the latter. Of course I was thinking $10 for air. I could've done that for free. But better to know that there were no holes, etc. And it could've been worse. My landlord said, "I told Alan you're a massage therapist and he said his back has been bothering him." I'm sure it has.

Now I need new contacts because I currently cannot see out of mine. I've been wearing my glasses. Which means I have to fix my hair. I cannot wear hats with glasses, unless they're sunglasses which I can remove. Eyeglasses, hat, earrings, and tons of hair is just way too much going on around my cranial area.

Thursday, March 27


I work in hell. You may work there as well, just in a different department.

I stopped by work on Monday to see if I had any tips. People rarely tip here for some reason. And the majority of the people are very wealthy. Probably how they have so much money. Anyhoo...when I walked in the receptionist said to the owner, " she is!" I said, "Talking about me, eh?" She told me they had a massage they needed covered on Wednesday morning. I'd already agreed a couple of weeks ago to cover two massages for this afternoon at 3 p.m. and 4 p.m. I said, "Well, I don't have a sitter that day but maybe I can find one. So, I guess...yes. I can do it."

I called a girl who said she'd be happy to sit for baby sometime. She never called me back. My other friend, who has two children, said if I couldn't find anyone she could do it. I always try to ask my friends with no children first. Well, Tuesday, I couldn't get ahold of that friend all day. I didn't know what to do. Finally Wednesday morning I called her superearly and she said I could bring her over. It would only be for two hours. I rushed baby out the door and to my friend's. Rushed to work, killed a squirrel and when I say killed I mean d-e-d. I've never run over anything before that I know of. I saw it out of the corner of my eye. I thought it was a paper bag. I asked aloud in the car, "What the heck was that?" Then I felt under my tire...well, you get the picture.

So I said a little prayer that my day would go better from that moment on. I get to work and set up my room. Finally, I went to the desk to ask for my tips and that's when the receptionist informed me "They're not coming?" I said, "They're not coming?" She shook her head 'no' and just gave me a blank stare. The other receptionist said, "I guess she called back the same day she made the appointment and canceled." I said, "My sitter never got back to me so you mean I just kicked my daughter's ass and rushed to find someone to watch her and came here for nothing?" She said, "Bummer." I said, "They should have to pay." She said, "Well, she canceled."

Why wasn't this taken care of/crossed off the appointment book? Wasn't this appointment confirmed? I can't believe I ever complained about my old job charging people for appointments when they no-showed. I thought it was a horrible policy. But now, I want to say to people, "I have a child to support. Granted, I didn't have to pick this career but you also don't have to get a massage. Here's a tennis ball and a wooden spoon. Massage yourself."

Did I mention I killed a squirrel? *note to self, find new job*

Friday, March 21

Love...not actually

I just finished watching Love Actually with a friend who is getting a divorce. We were going to watch Brokeback Mountain but I was afraid it would be too depressing. Love Actually may not have been a great choice either, but it's her favorite. Many parts of the movie piss me off. The whole Laura Linney character, for starters. Put your brother on hold for God sake and get laid!!! Karl is HOT. I wanted to throw her damn cell phone out the window. And her brother. And Emma Thompson playing Hugh Grant's younger sister? I realize she's only about a year and a half older than him in real life, but they make her look ten years older than him in the movie. What's with that?? And I noticed that the London airport resembles the airport in Denver. I remembered flying out of there once during the holiday season. I had purchased an ornament in one of the stores. While going through the security check, I was pulled aside and my bags were searched. My stuff was everywhere. Finally, after rifling through my unmentionables, the guard told me, "I can't let you fly with this." xO (That symbol is the expression I must've had on my face.) He said, "This isn't allowed on the plane." He was holding the ornament I had just purchased. I said, "I just bought that in your store. That store right over there. *pokes the air dramatically with arm fully extended* He said, "Yeah. I'm pretty sure this isn't allowed on the plane in your carry-on." I said, "Then why on earth do you sell these things? Are these ornaments only meant to be purchased by people who live in Colorado who fly into this airport and are on their way home? I don't live here. I bought this as a souvenir. Clearly I have to take it on the plane. I've already checked my bags." :/ (This is the expression on his face.) He let me take the ornament, but tossed my tweezers case I was some crazy sick lunatic who went around tweezing people to death.

Thursday, March 20

I'm that annoying person...

Yep. That's me. The person in the movie theater who is trying to figure out the movie before it happens. "He's dead." (uttered during The Sixth Sense) "He's going to drop her." (Cliffhanger) "He's going to kill himself." (Shawshank Redemption) I don't mean to do it. I just hate surprises. I watched Death at a Funeral with my friend last night and yes...I asked "Does that guy die?" five minutes after the opening credits rolled. She said, "Watch the movie." She'd already seen it, so she could've just told me. But she didn't, just as I won't ruin it for you. (It's a very good movie, you should see it.) After the third, "Is he the one who dies?" I could tell she was getting impatient. I made dinner for us afterward and then we watched Kissing Jessica Stein (I cannot TELL you the last time I watched two movies in a row). A few minutes into the movie, my friend asked, "So Jessica Stein is going to be kissing girls?" I'm a nice person. I told her. You'll have to see it. I don't want to ruin it for you.