Sunday, June 15

You Say 'Sarong.' I Say 'So Wrong'. Let's Call...Stacy and Clinton.

I ran a bunch of errands today with a friend and babykins. Our last stop was Mecca. I mean...Target. It's my happy place. Baby...not so much. She loathed Target when she was a wee little sprite. It must be the lights. Or the fact that my attention leaves her for a millisecond as I take in the smell of popcorn and mass produced crap I didn't know I needed. She's gotten better. One time, when I actually left the house and drove with her (I didn't drive with her for a long time unless it was the required doctor's appointment), I went to Target. Walked in. She lost her grip (i.e., when batspitcrazy). I walked straight back to the dressing room and told the woman I didn't have any clothes I just needed to nurse my child. She said, "Fine," which was Stranger for "Thank you for not doing that in public". About five minutes into her meal, baby soiled her diaper like she'd just scarfed down a juicy hamburger and an extra-large chocolate milk shake. I walked out of the dressing room (she was no longer crying) and straight to the bathroom where I proceeded to remove her diaper and toss it over into the garbage can. It wasn't until I reached in my bag that I discovered I hadn't brought any diapers with me. Ugh. Thank the gods I had a cloth prefold diaper I had been using as a burp cloth. I wrapped it around her and we left. I was in Target for all over 20 minutes and didn't even get to buy a single thing. I bet the staff all had to take a 15 minute break when they saw me leave empty-handed.

Well, today, baby was almost excited about being at Target. She enjoys going there now I think because a minimum of 14 people tell her how pretty she is whenever we're there. She rode in the cart and chewed on my keys. Yes...I tried to take them away from her about 20 times. She wasn't budging. And I decided that I would let her have them instead of screaming like she did each time I reached for them because with every scream people looked at me like take that baby home, lady and I wanted to say shuttup hoors, I just got here and I've only been out three times at night in ten months without her so DEAL but instead I just kept saying mommy really wishes you wouldn't chew on the keys and Hudson said get over it so I did.

So picture me beaming like a proud mom at a piano recital as my child was content and I was envisioning myself getting everything on my list. Then picture me coming to a screeching halt four feet inside the door. Up ahead in the $1 bin section I see a lot of leg. I notice a woman with a skirt on with a huge slit up the side. I look up. She has on a tank and it's then I realize wearing...her BATHING SUIT. And a sarong! A black see-through one!! That stopped well above her knees!!! omgomgomg

We do not live in Daytona Beach, where I was once forced by a local to go into McDonald's in my bathing suit and no shoes. I was mort. i. fied. He said, "What's the problem?" I said, "People are eating in here." He said, "And?" Clearly this is done in Florida. But NOT Kentucky. I was shocked. And appalled. Just as I looked at my friend to say, "This woman needs help. She's clearly suffering from exposure or sun poisoning or something," the woman headed toward the check-out. I thought oh good, she's leaving but NO! She went past the check-out lanes and on back toward the makeup and magazines.

People...this is NOT acceptable. I do consider myself a Libertarian, but this is even too much for me to handle. Later, my friend asked, out-of-the-blue, which proved to me her mind's eye had been poked out as well, "Is that the equivalent of me coming here in my gym clothes?" I informed her, "No. It's the equivalent of you coming here in your bathrobe with your hair still wet and in a towel. It's just not done. That lady is off her rocker."

We were still talking about the whole scene when I pulled into my parking lot. Still wondering what the hell she was thinking. Did her friends/spouse/children know she was planning on doing that? Was she on her way to the pool or coming home from the pool? Hell. Had she even been to a pool? It was five o'clock at night for crapsake. Egads! Was this her casual wear???? Could it be? Is that what she wears when it's 90 degrees outside and the rest of us are sweating all bundled up in shorts and T-shirts? And as I'm typing this, I'm thinking...hmm...that lady has balls. I like her.

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