Parenting 101

So baby has had a runny nose since early last Thursday morning/late last Wednesday night. She woke up congested and has been snotting on me ever since. Well, Saturday, it turned into a bit of a cough so I made an appointment for her to see the doctor. The receptionist didn't tell me on the phone that she wouldn't be seeing her regular physician. He's a resident so he isn't in the office much anymore and hasn't seen her for awhile. Nevertheless, I won't hold it against him. My c-section scar is nearly undetectable. He gets a few free passes.

The nurses at the office love Huddy. They always go crazy over her. Today's nurse was no exception. She said, "Oh my gosh. I want to kidnap you. There's going to be an Amber Alert today." Yep. Close your mouth. You heard me right. Then she added, "I don't want to kidnap the ugly babies." (This brought to mind the time I was on a flight to Denver and the flight attendants were coming down the aisle with the food cart. They got to the row in front of me and one said to the other, "I'll be right back." After a few moments, she came back and said to those of us watching the goings-on, "Have you read The Left Behind series? I thought we'd lost a couple of passengers." Uh...not funny, lady.)

Anyhoo, the doctor she saw today was a real piece of work. He came in and sat down and asked what the problem was. I told him she had developed a [melodramatic] cough. WHEEEEZE. *cough cough cough* WHEEEEZE *make people stare at mama in Target* So he says to me, "There are smokers in the home." I said, "No." He asked, "Is there smoking at all?" I must've given him a weird look, like no, dude...I'm not a pothead. He said, "Do you smoke outside the home?" I said, "I am NOT a smoker." He said, "Well, some people say no, there are no smokers IN the home, but then they'll say they smoke on the porch and I'm like...that's still smoking." Okay, judgy. Simmer down.

He looked over at baby and she had a Matchbox car in her mouth. He said, "Don't let her put that in her mouth." I said, "It's okay." He said, "I'm sure it's dirty." Thinking that he must've thought I'd picked it up in the examination room, I said, "It's hers." He said, "Well, it's probably been on the floor." Uh...yeah, dude. It has been on the floor. So have her hands and feet, but she still puts them in her mouth. She's a freaking baby. Do I need to wash her hands and feet every time she touches the ground? She puts the furniture in her mouth too. Do I need to get rid of that? WTH?

I didn't bother to tell him that I found that Matchbox car in the cart at Kohl's the day before she got sick.