Oh, Dear God. Someone Hold Me.

Huddy started daycare today. It's right up the street. It's inner city, but absolutely the loveliest little school ever, with the sweetest teachers and the cutest kids! I had it narrowed down to this school and another school in a more chic neighborhood, who named themselves after the neighborhood which they believe gives them license to charge a ridiculous amount of money, even though I am sure the majority of the kids attending do not live in that area.

I was all set to take her to the more ritzy school, until I called to ask a few questions from my list of 167 questions and was promptly hung up on...five times. Finally got an answer and I asked if something was wrong with their phone. The director said, "No. I was on the other line with a doctor and I didn't want to hang up on him." Okaaaaay. Understandable. Why not just say, "Hello? Ritzy Overpriced School. Is this an emergency or can you hold please?" I told her that concerned me. What if I'd had an emergency and my child was there? She said, "Well, I didn't want to hang up on him, so what can I do for you?"

This was the topper, the straw you might say. I just had a feeling. I think I chose the right school in the end.

Last night, Huddy went to bed at 8 p.m. She woke up three times before 11 p.m. I got her back down each time until she finally woke at 1 a.m. Then again at 4 a.m. And that was the worst. She was NOT going back to sleep. omg I was so tired. I nursed her. Talked to her. Scratched her back. Rocked her. No go. I was terrified that we'd be up for the rest of the day. I, unlike baby, am not used to not sleeping, even though I haven't slept through the night in over 19 months.

Then it hit me! She has First Day of School Jitters! Just as her mommy always did! So I didn't fault her, even though she got up close to 8 a.m. finally, and I had to be at the fire department for help with the new car seat at 9 a.m. I jammed food into her little noggin and ran out the door. No wonder the poor thing is sleeping already. I honestly don't know if she has any clue what the hell happened to her today.

I went today and hung out with baby for an hour. She started playing immediately. There are only four kids in her section, though I've only seen two boys there the two times I'd been inside to check the place out. Huddy really took to a woman who has three grandchildren. I think she can smell a grandma from a mile away. Speaking of which, she now smells like powder and vanilla. Must be that woman's perfume, because a little boy smelled just like it. I held him for a bit and he was so snuggly. Two months younger than baby and honestly three times her size. As is the other boy. She is the only one crawling and standing in her section.

Finally, I decided I should go so she could get used to not having me there. I picked her up to give her a big smooch and she said, "Put me down, woman! I was playing with that and you're embarrassing me!!" So I set her back on the floor and walked to the door. All the teachers were saying, "You'll be alright. She's going to be just fine. I know it's hard." So I said, "Baby girl. I'm leaving. I love you so much." And blew her a kiss. She took her pacifier out, put her hand to her mouth and blew me three kisses. Everyone went crazy yelling Oh my gosh! and Did you see that? She blew her a kiss! It was pretty adorable.

So I walked out the door, to my car and didn't even cry. I am such a big girl!

I called to check on her an hour later and she was sleeping, which is a great sign because it's kind of loud and crazy in there. But I really think she loved it. When I got there to pick her up she was getting a diaper change. I kissed her little toes and poked her on her belly and she didn't even look at me. She was too busy watching the toddlers.

I feel so good about this place. I think I made the right choice. I have to have her there by 9 a.m. and my first client isn't until 1 p.m. What the hell am I going to do with myself? Baby's godmother told me today to get out of my apartment and go run errands because if I'm home I'll just keep saying I might as well go get her if I'm here. Which is exactly what I was saying. Why am I here letting someone else raise my child? Dear God, help me when she has to go to kindergarten. What will I be like then?? I don't even want to think about it. Hopefully, I'll be teaching in her school district. Maybe even her school. That would be great! Maybe not for her, but definitely for me. Then I won't feel like I never see her but for four hours a day.

Which is all I've seen her awake today. She's sleeping in her crib right now. She fell asleep in the car and didn't wake up all the way into the apartment. Which has me a little freaked out. Please don't sleep all night and wake at 3 a.m. thinking it's 7 a.m.

I will certainly cry then.