What the Celery, Yo?

For the past few days, my clients have been handing me my tips. What gives? Am I being tested? Is this some kind of sick joke? Are the owners going to call me one night and tell me that I client mistakenly gave me a $40 tip when she actually meant to give me nothing? She didn't lay it on the bed to make me feel like a cheap prostitute and I didn't take it and say if this is hooking then call me a felon? Well...I'll admit it. I'm thrown. Four clients in a row hand me four tips. Come on!! What is the problem with these people?

So the first lady slept the whole time and snored really loudly. She kept waking herself up and playing it off like she hadn't just sawed down a Redwood. She left the money laying on the table and walked out. She was getting a manicure after. I felt like I should go out and ask her if she'd made a mistake. I did this once with a table I was waiting on when I was serving. The guy gave me an outrageous tip and I thought for sure he'd miscounted. I think he was offended I tried to give him some of it back.

The second client didn't say a word the whole time, which was a surprise because the owner said she was a real talker. She came out of the room and handed me the money and left. I found her to be of few words.

The next client was a man. He did the we'd-like-a-table-here's-20-bucks-see-what-you-can-do-maitre d' slimy handshake where I walked away and looked down to find a sweaty bill stuck to my palm.

The last client was a...it has to be said...weirdo. But very nice. She was wandering around lost in the nail area. I was finishing my bbq chips and pretzel lunch. A coworker came back and told me my client, who would be her client for a manicure later, was very...confused. Great. I said, "Five dollars says I see this woman's vagina before the end of the massage." And sure enough, if I hadn't told her to leave her underwear on--because I've been through this before, you see--I certainly would have seen her danger zone. She laid on the bed and left the covers in a pile down by her feet. People! I give EXPLICIT directions! What are you doing???? It's only the two of us in here. How can you not follow along?? Ugh. Yet, she too handed me a tip.

I need to get to the bottom of this. Something is not right. I just know it. And don't you love how when something good happens I just assume it has to be evil in disguise. Do you see what this place has done to me?