Thursday, May 22

Top Five: It's Snot Funny

I'm dealing with a few things right now. For one, I have a damned bird that has taken up residence in my window sill. I may have already mentioned this. I can't really remember who I've told. I tend to tell the same five stories to the same three people over and over again. Well this bird is on my last nerve. Did I mention birds hate me? You know how cats always go to the person who is allergic or hates cats? The one person who isn't paying them any attention? Well, imagine if you walked into a room of a hundred cats and 99 of them were saying, "C'mere human! C'mon! I'm gonna get ya!" And in the corner you spot a cat who refuses to make eye contact with you and is muttering something like..."Go away. I'm allergic. I'm wearing black. Don't come over here." Wouldn't you go straight to that cat and be all like..."Dude. What hell is up with the rest of those crazies?" (I may not have said that originally. Some other brilliantly funny person may have. I can't remember.) I think I may have been a cat or dog or bigger bird in a past life. I mean, don't get me wrong. It would be a great life to go around eating whatever you wanted without having to pay for it and then pooping all over everybody's stuff without getting pummeled. Of course, some of them do get pummeled. By cars. I did witness two baby birds being pushed out of a nest three stories from a roof. That was traumatic. Another time, I laughed at a friend's statement which described her "misfortune" and two seconds later a bird pooped on my brand new shirt. Now...that's karma. This bird is not going to die in my window sill and smell up the joint. It's building a condo and moving in the whole fam damnly.

Another is my new cell phone. I love it. It's lovely. One complaint. The battery. In the reviews everyone went on and on and on about how great the battery life was. I have to object. My old phone..."Low battery." Two days later: "Gettin' low here." Two days later: "Don't mean to bother you. I can hear you're busy. Just wanted to remind you we're in need of a charg-a-roonie." A day later: "...whenever you have a free moment," and then it would hand me the charger. This phone is all like..."Low battery." Five minutes later: "I warned ya. Bye-b...." That is, except for today while I was trying to nap with baby and it kept jingling to let me know it was dying. I couldn't reach it. Figures.

Baby is snotty. And I mean the snotty as in oh my goddess how was that all up inside your tiny skull snotty. I got out her humidifier for the first time last night. Out of the box. Since I got it at my shower. Yes. Filled it up. Had to put her down wailing and snotting. Carried it to my room. Plugged it in. Glanced at the directions, really only to see if it mentioned anything about not getting it near mommy's beloved closet hence mildew would take up residence on favorite articles when I saw that you're not supposed to use tap water, but distilled water instead. Sick babies are foreign to mommies who never get sick. And I mean never as in I'm calling in sick but if you go out today to get lunch or run an errand you're probably going to see me out looking cute and happy because I lied because I never get sick I just really wanted the day off never gets sick.

I ordered new contacts and glasses a few weeks ago and the contacts haven't arrived. The woman said to come back in so she could see how they were fitting. I've been wearing contacts since I was 13. I've been getting them at the same place for about 10 years. Hello! SENDTHEMTOMEIAMBLIND. Guess I'll have to go there today.

Lastly, Huddy has taken to calling me 'da-da'. I've convinced myself it's just easier for her to say than 'ma-ma'. I'm thinking though this is how I'll actually meet someone of the opposite sex. She'll say 'da-da,' he'll say "Daddy's girl, eh?" I'll say, "Actually, I'm single." Conversation ensues. I'll keep you posted.

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