Friday, May 9


My friend told me she's starting "this yoga class". I said, "Is it religious?" She said, "Well, sort of. How'd you know?" She lives in western Kentucky and is in a mommy group that is sort of affiliated with a church even though she doesn't consider herself a religious person. I'm proud of her for going. I should really do something like that. Not the religious part, but the getting together with mommies part. I bet baby would be walking already if she had been around more kids more often. Not that my walking wouldn't inspire her to want to walk. Or anyone else's walking, for that matter. She does see dogs walking a lot. And they're more her height, so maybe she wouldn't have been walking already. I was walking at 7 months, so I guess I'm lucky she's not running. Of course, I believe that's where the last ten pounds go. And I've already taken to wearing flats (in case she starts walking without warning where the sporting of heels could result in a few broken somethings) which has caused many a conversation to start with, "Holy crap, Jennifer. How short are you?" Good times.

But I digress.

Said friend read about a sunrise tai chi class being held in a park and she was thinking about going. She has a stay-at-home dad friend (how hottt is that??) who is way into tai chi. She was going to tell him about it until she read that he is the person teaching the class. I said, "Is it religious? Are you going to be saying Ahhhhhhmen instead of Ohhhhhhhm?" She said no, none of the above. She met this guy at the coffee shop where she goes to hang out with other parents who like to enjoy the occasional cup of coffee where it's hot or mostly warm the entire time they're drinking it, which means kids are usually not present. I told her, "You could take a chai tea to your tai chi!"

This made me think of other places where food is not appropriate. For example, do not bring McDonald's McGriddles to church to eat during the sermon. Not for you or your children. You will wait for the Christ Chex and wine like the rest of us.

Also, do not go to a spa twenty minutes after your scheduled appointment time and then go to the bathroom and then pour yourself a coffee and then ask your massage therapist if you can take it into the room with you. Sure. You can take it in, but you're not going to be allowed to drink it. How the hell is this supposed to happen? I'm certainly not going to hold your mug for you while you're face down on the table. Nor am I going to let you sit up while I'm massaging your parts to let you make loud slurping noises while you're supposed to be relaxing which reminds me turnoffyourdamnedcellphone! Ahem....

Coffee does to one thing to people and you can imagine what this is if you've ever been to a Cracker Barrel. It sends people running to the bathroom. So certainly it is not a good idea to drink coffee before or during a massage. I will say (because massage therapists are not actual therapists and therefore I don't have to be so confidential with my sessions, though I won't name names) three people have "passed gas" during their massage. That's not a lot in seven years. More did that in the year I took Pilates Reformer classes. But no one ever even flinched during their massage. Oh mah gawd. If I had done that during a massage I would've died and said, "Oh mah gawd. I want to die. I'm so embarrassed." Then I realized...oh mah gawd. What if they didn't realize that they had just "passed gas" and for some reason thought it was ME!!??? I can't just let them think it was me, but I can't say, "Oh. Excuse you, stinky ass." Maybe when they come out of the room and I hand them their water I could say, "Here's some water for you. Be sure to drink plenty today. And be sure to head straight to that bathroom over there since I guess you have to go pretty badly. Have you ever tried Beeno?" Maybe the next time it happens and the client doesn't apologize I'll just say, "'s okay. It happens all the time when people are relaxed. It's a good sign." Of course, I would be lying...which is a sign I should skip all the fun mommy times and go to church. I'm taking snacks.

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