The Circle of Porn

When my mother was expecting, my biological father worked at the Hustler bar in Dayton, Ohio. He had been working here in Cincinnati, but they transferred him. The story goes...my father walked into Larry Flynt's office, said, "My wife is expecting and I think I should go back to the Cincinnati club to be closer to her, if I should really be working here at all." The response he got was we can take care of that for you, if you want. OHMYGAWD. Did Larry Flynt put a hit on me? (I don't know if Larry Flynt was actually there--I forgot to ask that--but it was his office.) My mom said that my father didn't stick around long enough to find out, but that a few weeks before a waitress who'd revealed her pregnancy had "fallen" down the stairs and lost the baby. Hmm. I don't mean to make light of the situation, but it does sound very Law & Order, Special Smut Unit.

Well, my father quit, I survived and have no grudge against Larry Flynt or his empire. This is evident from my trip to the Hustler store with my girlfriends the other night. We were going to pick up a certain gift (one that could kill a werewolf if it could be fired from a gun, if you get my drift) for a friend. I walked in through security with them and it went off. Probably something in my purse; cell phone, perhaps. Nevertheless, the woman looked at me and said, "I'm sorry. We can't allow babies in here. It's the county law. We don't care, but if the news saw it we'd be shut down."

Oh yeah, I took baby. But she was all wrapped up in the Ultimate Baby Wrap. She couldn't have stolen anything. Her hands were immobilized. She was in a little baby straight jacket. And she doesn't know what she's looking at. At least, I don't think so.

So I waited outside with my friend while J. bought the gift. I said, "If the news shows up I'm going to say 'It's just the SEX people! I had the SEX to have this baby! Your mother had the SEX to have you! You came out of her vagina (most likely)!" I like to throw the words vagina and mother in the same sentence when talking to people who are conservative. I like to freak people out. It's better stated...your mother's vagina. Okay. Moving on.

Yay! Baby's first porn! And first time baby ever got kicked out of a store! It was a momentous occasion. We're all so proud.