Monday, September 8

It's Not Me. It's You.

This place is a mess.
*evil eye*
Well, it is.
Do something about it.
Who me?
Yeah you.
It's not my fault. I'm never here.
So, you could still help out once in a while.
Look at the dust!
There you go. You can dust.
So, what? I have to do everything you hate doing?
What's the big deal? I vacuum.
That's because you like to vacuum.
And...?
Just because you don't like to do something doesn't mean I have to like doing it.
Well then, what do you like doing?
I'll straighten up the book shelves and papers.
Oh brother. *rolls eyes*
Now what?
Nothing.
What? Just say it.
You won't get anything done. Ten minutes into straightening you'll be going through drawers.
So?
So, you'll sit there for an hour looking at pictures and old cards and old planners.
I beg your pardon.
You don't ever clean when you clean. You just make piles and more messes for me.
You need a nap.
Yes, I do. I haven't slept the whole night through in two years.
So take one.
How can I? What do I do with the baby? Stick her in her crib and let her cry for forty minutes?
Yes.
You have no idea what you're even talking about.
Whatever.
Don't say that. You know I hate it when you say that.
You shouldn't say 'hate'.
Shuttup.
Or shuttup.
Ten minutes of silence passes.
Are you not talking to me now?
I don't know what you want me to say. I can only do so much, you know.
All I'm asking you to do is dust.
Well, all I'm asking you to do is get off my back.
*jaw drops*
Yeah. Off. My. Back. I go to school full-time and work. I don't have a single day to myself.
You don't have to work so much.
Ha! Yeah, right. Who else is going to buy diapers and food and gas for my car?
Me.
Who will pay my bills?
Me.
You don't make enough.
Sure I do.
Well, we need my money. Besides, I got a hug and a 100 percent tip from my table last night.
Well, you're going to need that to pay for the coffee you have every morning.
I make my coffee here, thank you very much.
Yeah. With two pods and soy creamer.
No. I'm using half and half now. And you have to use two pods. One pod is pointless. That's not coffee. It's brown water.
I thought you were lactose intolerant?
I AM! I AM SICK OF SOY. I WANT SOMETHING THAT TASTES GOOD.
Dairy gives your daughter a rash.
Look. I'm trying to introduce it to her slowly. I don't need you to make me feel like shit about it.
I'm not trying to make you feel badly.
Bad.
What?
You're not trying to make me feel bad.
Are you correcting me?
*silence*
Look, I think you need a break. A night with the girls or something.
And who will watch the baby?
I'll find someone.
Yeah, right.
I will.
Look, I'm away from her all day, the last thing I want is to be away from her all night too.
You need to get out of the house. Relax. You're never going to meet anyone sitting at home.
I don't have time to meet someone. I don't have time for a relationship.
You don't need a relationship. Just have...fun.
Fun?
Yes. Fun. You remember fun. I mean, you bought those heels. Where are you planning on wearing them? I know it's not to take out the garbage. You don't take out the garbage.
Yes, I do.
No you don't. You put it on the balcony and I end up taking it out after it's been rained on.
*shakes head* I'll wear the shoes somewhere. *trails off* One day.
Go out with that guy from work.
Guy from work?
Yeah. That guy at your work. The one who said he'd have sex with you.
What? Jesus. I never should have told you that.
You didn't. I was there, remember. Besides, he's cute.
He has a girlfriend. And I don't need pity sex, thank you very much.
You're getting bitter.
What?! I am not!
Yes, yes you are. Find a cute boy and make out with him. I am giving you permission.
Permission? You're not the boss of me.
Oh, yes I am.

2 comments:

Carmen said...

O.M.G. You have finally lost it! Nonetheless, you should take your own advice. The part about having some fun not about the pity sex or the dusting.

XOXO,
Me

Chris said...

Hey Baby Fish Mouth. You're fun.

I get you - completely. Hang in there girlie...