Things That Make Me Go WUT?

Solid perfume. I have never understood the appeal. (It's like the white corduroy miniskirt I used to have. When in the hell are you supposed to wear a corduroy miniskirt? Summer? No. Winter? Um...effing cold. Where'd the damn skirt come from? Who purchased this damn thing?) What in the world are you supposed to use to apply a solid perfume? Your finger? Uh...let me paint you a purty picture.

1995 (I don't really know what year it was, but just go with it.) You may have previously read about my desperate search for the perfect deodorant. It's been a life-long quest. Well, I was trying to fall in love with a roll-on deodorant. It drove me crazy the same way the Maybelline Kissing Potion did when I was in elementary school. The one thing to top that annoyance was a girl in my grade, who I took dance with, whose mother would fill her empty Kissing Potion bottles with vegetable oil claiming, "It's the same thing!" Yeah. The oil dripping down your daughter's mouth yes! certainly does smell like rootbeer! No wait...bubble gum! This was the same woman who, once we all fell asleep at her daughter's birthday slumber party, put all of our hands in a glass of water and froze our training bras. Of course, mine wasn't a training bra; sadly, it was a real bra and I've been wearing one since I was in the third grade. But I digress.... So I'm trying to apply my stupid roll-on deodorant and it's clogged or something. I can't get the ball to spin. So I rub it vigorously across the palm of my hand. It spins but isn't leaving a white residue. (When I was in the seventh grade, I had spent the night at another friends house. We were getting ready to go somewhere and I was trying to do my hair in her bathroom. Having a mother who is a hair dresser teaches you how to use whatever is available to achieve the look you're going for. I grabbed the aerosol can and started spraying. I touched it with my hand and it didn't feel sticky. So I sprayed again. Same result. Sprayed again. Not stiff. Finally I yelled and asked if she had any other hair spray, that this can was empty or something. She said, "I don't have hair spray." I looked in the mirror and that was when I noticed a white layer of gunk in my hair. I picked up the can and it was deodorant. A giant can of deodorant. Who puts deodorant in a giant aerosol can? Deodorant and I do not get along.) I try again to apply it to the proper areas and finally just assume it has either worked or hadn't worked which would just mean I'd been let down again. Well, later that day I was hanging out with some friends. Someone had brought a chocolate cake. I ate a piece, because I can't turn down chocolate; it doesn't even have to be good chocolate. I got some on my hand and licked the icing off. This is where it all went down hill. I remembered not washing my hands after the deodorant test and my mouth was filled with the sweet splendor of chocolate and Powder Fresh. I wanted to cry.

(This all reminds me of the time I was in second grade and was stapling my papers together at the teacher's desk. I can still see the look on her face. I picked up the stapler, looked at it and put it back on her desk. I said, "I think there is something wrong with this stapler," and just as she was reaching for it, I stuck my middle finger under the handle and stapled the stapler to my finger. I picked up my hand and the stapler was just hanging from it. My teacher and I were a bit alarmed. Luckily it was easily remedied. That part I don't remember, but I assume it went well since I am not typing with a stapler growing out of my hand.)

So solid perfume. I don't think just washing it will get rid of the taste. Later if you have Milk Duds stuck in your teeth and you need to dig them out that taste will probably still be there. And then what if you're without a drink? Or gum? Or it was your last Milk Dud and you're left with that taste in your mouth? Ick.

Maybe you could carry around some sort of applicator for the perfume. Ooh! Maybe I could invent one!! You know, I'm going to Google it. I bet there already is such a thing. I thought I'd invented the AM/FM transmitter for the iPod, but I went there the other day with my friend just to get the smell of the Apple Store all over me and voila! there it was. I asked the man who worked there if you could use it in your car since my car stereo picks up 1.5 stations. After taking a good look at the package I said, "Oh, I guess not. It seems as though it has to plug into the iPod so there's really no way to have it play through the stereo." He said, "Well, you could just plug in the transmitter and listen with your headset." I said, "Um...but that's illegal."

I don't think boys have these problems.