Tuesday, July 19

Go the F**k to Sleep

I have a dear friend who is expecting her first child. For some reason, beyond my conscious decision-making abilities, I find it completely necessary to scare the ever-loving shit out of her when it comes to all things "baby." I find myself unable to spare her horror stories about things she won't even have to worry about for the next four years, when that little girl-to-be is walking and talking and bitching up a storm. Tonight, I informed her that her dear daughter will one day be sick, and even though your heart is breaking for her that little girl will get on your last damned nerve. It is one of the conundrums of motherhood. You so desperately want to do everything in your power to make them better, and you want it to happen immediately. "Yes, dear. I am very sorry you're sick. What can mommy do to make it better so she can get some freaking sleep? I mean, so you can get some good sleep? That's what I said. Yes, it is. No, you don't need more water. You just went to the bathroom. I know your ear hurts, that's why you should close your eyes and go nigh-nigh time. No. A Peppermint Pattie will not help your ear feel better. No, you can't sleep with mommy. Because you're miserable to sleep with. Yes, you are. Yes. Yes. You are. Yes, you are. I know that hurts your feelings. It hurts mommy's feelings when you karate chop her neck with your leg in the middle of the night. I know it was an askident. It's okay. I mean, it's okay that it's an accident. Go to sleep. Yes. Now. I mean it. Fine. But I'd better hear pee coming out."

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