I cannot believe I haven't written about this. Nearly a month ago, the law office next door fixed their outdoor security light. There is a sidewalk and some landscaping between my apartment and their side entrance. I got in bed one night and thought what light is on? I laid there trying to figure out what was different about the lighting in my bedroom. It was lit up like Las Vegas. I noticed the light on the side of the law office. Has it been there all along? I have blinds on my windows, but no curtains. No one in the building has curtains.
I could barely sleep. Poor baby was restless all night long. I called the law office the next morning. I said, "Hi. I live next door and I have a question about the new light on the side of your building. Is is a security motion detector or will the thing be staying on all night long?" The woman said, "Hold on for one moment please." A couple of seconds later, someone picked up the phone and said, "May I help you?" I said, "Uh...a woman was helping me." She said, "You've been transferred to me." I freaking hate that. Tell me you're transferring me if you think I'm some crazy person who needs to be 'dealt' with, don't just transfer me without warning. It's rude.
I asked my question again. She said, "It will be on all night." I said, "I wish I'd had some warning. It was high noon in my bedroom all night long. I have a baby who has enough trouble sleeping." She said, "Well, the light has always been there. We just fixed it yesterday." Um...lady...what the eff is that supposed to mean? Because it's been hanging unlit on the side of the building for years I should already be used to its light that is bright as the sun? It WASN'T WORKING hence NO LIGHT. I wanted to say, "Oh well, then. I've always had this BB gun and I like to pick people off from my kitchen window. I've always had it, only I just got the bullets, so no complaining when I shoot you in the ass."
I said, "Well, I guess I'm going to have to get curtains." She said, "Maybe you didn't realize, there have been homeless people sleeping between our buildings," in a very low whisper. You know...the homeless...the way idiotic people lower their voices to say...the Mexicans...or...the blacks. This woman is clearly afraid of men sleeping in the hastas using styrofoam cups as pillows. I informed her we have had a homeless person sleeping in our vestibule. She said, "Oh." Yeah. Oh. So now, not only are the homeless unable to sleep, but I can't sleep and I have a home.
I had a friend come over and help me hang curtains. They work fine but look ridiculous. I need two more panels, but I got these for $25 on sale. I'm not spending $100 on curtains. I'm not Liberace. I have been looking for cheap ones and found some at Kmart for $17. So I can't take these down until I have the other ones to put up. I'll get them this weekend, I think. And some quality sleep, I hope.
Saturday, August 9
Friday, August 8
You Got Your B.O. On My Deodorant. You Got Your Deodorant On My B.O.
I have been having the worst time trying to find a good deodorant. Years ago, I used things like Secret and my dad's Right Guard (for school dances and when I wore something sleeveless). It always worked fine and did me well during dance class, gymnastics and cheerleading practice. But that was before all the uproar over aluminum and parabens and high-fructose corn syrup. I know they don't put the latter in deodorant, but I bet they just haven't thought of it yet.
I did use some Degree for men at my Pilates class a few years back. I had forgotten to put mine on before I left the house. There was a hot guy in my class on the Reformer next to me. I finally said, "Derek. You smell fantastic. What cologne are you wearing?" He said, "I don't wear cologne. Or deodorant." Hmm. So turned back to the business at hand and after a few bicep curls I realized that it was I who smelled so delicious. I smelled like the hottest guy I'd ever imagined. I nearly wanted to sleep with myself and never talk to me again.
Alas, that deodorant too had horrible things in it. So off to Wild Oats I went in the hopes of finding a natural deodorant that didn't make me smell like a lazy college student. I tried Tom's of Maine. Disgusting. And it made yellow stains in the pits of all my fucking white shirts and made me smell like I hadn't bathed in weeks. What is the point of that? I said I didn't want to smell like a hippie, even though I so totally am a hippie. Like a friend says, we're not Town & Country. We're Town & Crunchy.
Back to Wild Oats I went. This time I found a scent that was called Lazy College Student, if I remember correctly. It was bergamot, patchouli, pot and tangerine or something. I was putting my groceries in my car and looked up when I heard a woman yelling, "Miss! You forgot your deodorant!!" I yelled back, "NO I DIDN'T! IT'S NATURAL. IT'S SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU SMELL LIKE POO!"
I forgot to take the deodorant into the house when I dropped off the groceries. I went to Pilates that day and saw it still sitting in the passenger seat. I decided to put some on before going in to class. About 20 minutes later, my left armpit was on fire. It was the first pit I had swiped the deodorant on in the car. I went to the bathroom and OMG!! if I hadn't seen it I wouldn't have believed it. I burned my armpit with that damned natural deodorant. A wide bright red burn. It was the most painful thing I've had happen to me since I got a lip wax once and didn't realize medicated face treatment would also remove four layers of skin. Needless to say, that deodorant went to the back of the shelf with the Tom's.
So for the past few years I have been trying all different kinds of deodorant. The last successful brand was Trader Joe's Cotton deodorant. I guess it's supposed to smell like cotton, whatever the hell that smells like; clouds and dreams? It worked pretty well for a few months, but then one day...FAIL. I mentioned this to a friend who told me her mother had gone to a wonderful store downtown Cincinnati called Park+Vine. They have this Thai crystal deodorant stick that she had really been enjoying. She has had just as much trouble as I have trying not to stink up our general vicinity. So , of course, I rushed down to buy it. Dan, the owner, told me he uses the spray bottle but I could just see me getting that crap in my eyes or as I'm sure that what bit of mist didn't land on me would no doubt create a sticky layer of crud on my bathroom floor. He told me when using the stick to put it on when I'm still wet, right out of the shower. So I did that. Rubbing rubbing rubbing. I couldn't see anything going on me. No milky residue building up. I just had to assume it was going on and staying on.
Cut to a few days later. Apply crystal. Immediately smell funk. What the hell? There is B.O. on my crystal and I can't get it off. And it smells like...Bangkok Bistro. Is that what a Thai crystal is supposed to smell like? Pad Thai? I didn't realize. They should sell it on a scale of 1 to 10. How spicy would you like to be? Hmm...let's see...how about a 6?
I would love to try to go without deodorant but I don't think August is the month to attempt this as it's hotter than a dog's balls outside. Maybe November? That's a good month. Until then, I guess I'll just keep piling on four different kinds of natural deodorant stick and pray to the gods I don't hear someone, as I'm walking past, say ooh...I'm suddenly in the mood for curry.
I did use some Degree for men at my Pilates class a few years back. I had forgotten to put mine on before I left the house. There was a hot guy in my class on the Reformer next to me. I finally said, "Derek. You smell fantastic. What cologne are you wearing?" He said, "I don't wear cologne. Or deodorant." Hmm. So turned back to the business at hand and after a few bicep curls I realized that it was I who smelled so delicious. I smelled like the hottest guy I'd ever imagined. I nearly wanted to sleep with myself and never talk to me again.
Alas, that deodorant too had horrible things in it. So off to Wild Oats I went in the hopes of finding a natural deodorant that didn't make me smell like a lazy college student. I tried Tom's of Maine. Disgusting. And it made yellow stains in the pits of all my fucking white shirts and made me smell like I hadn't bathed in weeks. What is the point of that? I said I didn't want to smell like a hippie, even though I so totally am a hippie. Like a friend says, we're not Town & Country. We're Town & Crunchy.
Back to Wild Oats I went. This time I found a scent that was called Lazy College Student, if I remember correctly. It was bergamot, patchouli, pot and tangerine or something. I was putting my groceries in my car and looked up when I heard a woman yelling, "Miss! You forgot your deodorant!!" I yelled back, "NO I DIDN'T! IT'S NATURAL. IT'S SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU SMELL LIKE POO!"
I forgot to take the deodorant into the house when I dropped off the groceries. I went to Pilates that day and saw it still sitting in the passenger seat. I decided to put some on before going in to class. About 20 minutes later, my left armpit was on fire. It was the first pit I had swiped the deodorant on in the car. I went to the bathroom and OMG!! if I hadn't seen it I wouldn't have believed it. I burned my armpit with that damned natural deodorant. A wide bright red burn. It was the most painful thing I've had happen to me since I got a lip wax once and didn't realize medicated face treatment would also remove four layers of skin. Needless to say, that deodorant went to the back of the shelf with the Tom's.
So for the past few years I have been trying all different kinds of deodorant. The last successful brand was Trader Joe's Cotton deodorant. I guess it's supposed to smell like cotton, whatever the hell that smells like; clouds and dreams? It worked pretty well for a few months, but then one day...FAIL. I mentioned this to a friend who told me her mother had gone to a wonderful store downtown Cincinnati called Park+Vine. They have this Thai crystal deodorant stick that she had really been enjoying. She has had just as much trouble as I have trying not to stink up our general vicinity. So , of course, I rushed down to buy it. Dan, the owner, told me he uses the spray bottle but I could just see me getting that crap in my eyes or as I'm sure that what bit of mist didn't land on me would no doubt create a sticky layer of crud on my bathroom floor. He told me when using the stick to put it on when I'm still wet, right out of the shower. So I did that. Rubbing rubbing rubbing. I couldn't see anything going on me. No milky residue building up. I just had to assume it was going on and staying on.
Cut to a few days later. Apply crystal. Immediately smell funk. What the hell? There is B.O. on my crystal and I can't get it off. And it smells like...Bangkok Bistro. Is that what a Thai crystal is supposed to smell like? Pad Thai? I didn't realize. They should sell it on a scale of 1 to 10. How spicy would you like to be? Hmm...let's see...how about a 6?
I would love to try to go without deodorant but I don't think August is the month to attempt this as it's hotter than a dog's balls outside. Maybe November? That's a good month. Until then, I guess I'll just keep piling on four different kinds of natural deodorant stick and pray to the gods I don't hear someone, as I'm walking past, say ooh...I'm suddenly in the mood for curry.
Wednesday, August 6
Whoever Said Half the Fun is Getting There Has Never Been Here
I am torn. I don't know what to do about my job. Oh...it sucks something awful. Something like durian or black licorice or the underside of a toilet bowl lid. Nevertheless, I have to work at least some while I'm in school. The schedule at work is very flexible but the owners are awful human beings who have no children and no education and therefore no clue what it takes to successfully tackle one let alone both. The money won't be steady, meaning I won't have a clue how much I'll be making every two weeks. And they are closed on Mondays now, so I could get a serving job on Monday and do massages Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. I could even serve somewhere on Sunday nights, too. But that wouldn't leave a whole lot of time for studying. I will probably have to juggle a MWF class to accommodate my work schedule. I registered late so I got stuck with the crap classes. Next semester will be much better because I have tons of hours having already completed a bachelor's degree. I'll be first to register. Yay! FINALLY. Something to look forward to.
The last time a girl at work announced she was going to go to school for nursing she was treated terribly and eventually fired by The Debil who said, "I get the feeling you don't like me, so why don't you just leave?" This was probably true but only because The Debil would stand around and talk about her while she was within earshot. She does this to everyone. She will also ask you the same question over and over again. I can't decide if she's hoping for a different answer or if she just has no recollection of already pretending she really gives a shit. My friend who was the most recent target of their high school antics ended up quitting last Tuesday, which is exactly what The Debil has been trying to have happen for months. And the only other friend I have there wants to leave. That would be terrible.
This place is in a very wealthy neighborhood, yet for some reason these people can't tip for their services. I have been informed that The Debil will take tips at the end of the night to make up for discrepancies in the drawer or she'll take them if she feels your tip was too large. At my old job, I lived off my tips. The owners said that some people just don't tip. They also said that employees don't get discounts on products because we make enough in tips. Crazy bastards.
I did apply for a job at Starbuck's...the day before they decided to close 600 stores and lay-off 12,000 people. I need something that will let me be flexible since baby's daycare closes at 5 p.m.
Argh. I need to figure it out soon. Dear Lord, please let the perfect solution fall out of the sky. Please don't let it fall on me while I'm carrying the baby. Or on her crib. Or on my car.
The last time a girl at work announced she was going to go to school for nursing she was treated terribly and eventually fired by The Debil who said, "I get the feeling you don't like me, so why don't you just leave?" This was probably true but only because The Debil would stand around and talk about her while she was within earshot. She does this to everyone. She will also ask you the same question over and over again. I can't decide if she's hoping for a different answer or if she just has no recollection of already pretending she really gives a shit. My friend who was the most recent target of their high school antics ended up quitting last Tuesday, which is exactly what The Debil has been trying to have happen for months. And the only other friend I have there wants to leave. That would be terrible.
This place is in a very wealthy neighborhood, yet for some reason these people can't tip for their services. I have been informed that The Debil will take tips at the end of the night to make up for discrepancies in the drawer or she'll take them if she feels your tip was too large. At my old job, I lived off my tips. The owners said that some people just don't tip. They also said that employees don't get discounts on products because we make enough in tips. Crazy bastards.
I did apply for a job at Starbuck's...the day before they decided to close 600 stores and lay-off 12,000 people. I need something that will let me be flexible since baby's daycare closes at 5 p.m.
Argh. I need to figure it out soon. Dear Lord, please let the perfect solution fall out of the sky. Please don't let it fall on me while I'm carrying the baby. Or on her crib. Or on my car.
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